ish and awe

I miss the ish-ness of Malawi: "the bus will be here around 8-ish," but pulls in at 9:30, "church starts at 10-ish," but we start the first worship song at 10:45, the ish-ness of whether the showers would be warm or not, whether the light switch would turn on or not, whether we would have fuel to travel each day or not, or whether the gate keeper would be at the gate or not. Believe it or not, I miss ish. I loved that living was so dependent on... life.

Brick red is the color of the day: the color of the red dirt roads and the red mud huts and the dusty haze that made the sunsets burn bright red.

I might have only been in Africa for two weeks, but those two weeks were filled with more moments of feeling alive than all 52 weeks of the past year combined. There were highs and there were lows and there was everything in between, but more than anything, I felt home. I found home and now I'm halfway around the world from it and it's breaking my heart. So here I am, homesick and struggling to express how or why I feel the way I do to anybody around me, and I feel completely alone.

In the midst of that heartbreak, though, is awe at God's handiwork in my life and in my heart. The complete affirmation that the deep aching desires of my heart are from Him. And that affirmation has blown away my doubts and replaced them with motivation to pursue a path that I wasn't sure was for me. 

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

Matthew 13:44

And now with joy- with joy! I seek to abandon it all. Why? Because I've found something worth losing everything for. [David Platt, Radical]