I can't.

"I can't" is a phrase we're taught not to say from a very young age. We're encouraged to focus on things like "I can do anything if I put my mind to it!" "Reach for the stars!" "Believe in yourself!"

The American dream is built upon hard work and self-reliance. I was raised to be a strong and independent woman. I am grateful that I was taught how to stand on my own two feet, but in my independence I have learned to keep others at arm's length. Because being authentic and real is scary. It's risky. But living as though I have it all together all the time isn't the answer. It's a major obstacle to connection: with others, with God.

Unlearning self-sufficiency has been a hard lesson to swallow. Accepting that I can't do anything, no matter how much I put my mind to it, is hard. To know that no matter how hard I try, how much I strive to achieve perfection, it's impossible. I am a fallible, broken human. And the crazy thing is, that I am loved and accepted with all of my inadequacies. My flaws. My scars. I don't need to strive for that perfect image. In fact, hiding my inadequacies is probably the worst thing I could do.

It's funny actually, that I could sing "Jesus loves me, this I know" for years and years of my childhood, truly believing it, yet 20 years later I am flabbergasted at this basic truth: Jesus loves me. Me. Not the person I try to be or strive to be, but me. Just the way I am.

Sometimes going back to the basics is hard work. Taking down my walls that I've built over the years- walls meant to keep people at a distance, in case they might run away when they see me vulnerable and weak. Ignoring the lies that tell me I'm never good enough.

It's a daily struggle for me to come to God and say:

"I can't- without You." 

To live in my weakness so that moment by moment I might experience His power, His love- the kind that doesn't love someone because they're beautiful, but loves them in such a way that makes them beautiful [Rob Bell, "Sex God"].

The color of the day is Dandelion yellow. Some might call a dandelion a weed, others call it ugly. But a dandelion is delicate and vulnerable. And it is also beautiful.

If you have time, listen to this sermon podcast. It's number 8 on the list: "The Beauty of Weakness" by Pastor Matt Moore. 

Grace for the hippies

The second thing I am excited about this summer happened: my big brother made it home from Afghanistan, safe. The big ole bear hug he gave me has never felt so good.

I spent most of this week with my family who came down south to welcome Dave home, and next week I get to spend even more time with them (graduation weekend yeeeee whooo!). It's an interesting thing to spend time with the people who raised you, who taught you everything, and then to share mutual realization when your similarities begin to be limited to that place we all call home.

I think the easiest reaction to this is to walk away, say I've changed and you don't understand me. It's easy to say "Well, I'm just not that close with my family anymore." But the easy road is not always the right road. Instead, we learn to cherish the few things we still have in common, like those old dirt backroads and apple trees and elementary school memories. And when we hit those bumpy conversations, we remember that learning isn't just something we did as children, but that these conversations are daily lessons.

Lesson this week: grace and acceptance. Teacher: my uncle Greg. You see, in many ways, my outlook on life varies a great deal from those of my immediate family members, and that is often a point of contention that builds walls between our hearts. But when my uncle and I spoke, though our differences were clear as day, he took joy in that difference. We laughed and he poked fun at my "hippie" ways, but I felt loved and I felt the walls breaking down instead of being built.

And as I realized how much I had craved that acceptance, I also realized how much I had been disinclined to give it in return, specifically to my dad, my mom, my brother and my sister. I had been holding them to a standard of graceful attitudes that I was not even upholding.

So here is the color of the day, get ready for it. It is red, orange and yellow, green, blue, and violet. Yes, I'm choosing the rainbow today because our souls are all different colors, hues and shades. One might think that so many colors would clash when put together, but ya know what? It really is beautiful.