[home is where the heart is]

As soon as the plane landed, I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding since May. Every single moment during the too-short visit to San Diego felt like home. I was struck by the beauty of the life I had created there- the relationships that more closely resemble family than friendship, the church that convicts me to live a life of intention and action, the ocean walks that fill me with awe and reverence.

"Do you feel like you're where you are supposed to be?" I was asked.

Sonoma County is breathtakingly beautiful, and the redwoods make my heart soar. My family is here, and I can see my grandparents and cousins within a five minute drive. {Yet it isn't a question of the merits of my hometown.} My soul longs to be elsewhere. I am in a waiting period, biding my time until I can leave. I rush through every day, wishing time would pass faster. I have spent much of my life waiting to live: waiting to move to college, waiting to find the right career, the right man.

But is that how my life is meant to be lived? Hurried through to get to something hopefully better? Not noticing the beauty around me, the work God wants to do in me right here, right now?

We may be fairly happy now, but there's always tomorrow and the prospect of a happier place, a happier life. So all options are left on the table. We never fully commit. That is, I think, a dangerous thing. We can't love a place, or a person, if we always have one foot out the door.

[Geography of Bliss, Eric Weiner]

I feel like I'm in a desert. A place of forgottenness. But looking back at my times of waiting, I know that deserts aren't that at all. They are times of tremendous growth- fresh buds popping up all over the place. It's a time when I learn to be humble, when I learn that I have limits and am fragile, and when I learn where true strength comes from.

The color of the day is sea green. The color of the ocean on a sunny San Diego day, of the bracelet that travelled to me from my best's adventure in Nicaragua, and of the succulents that sit on my windowsill who thrive and grow in arid conditions.

Can these dry bones live? They can, and they will. There is still beauty in my life, every day, that I walk right by. {And I can choose to not only see it, but celebrate it.} To be aware of these tiny glimpses of heaven in my life. To be all here for the time that I am here. To know that while I may or may not end up in San Diego, that my life doesn't stop, or pause. That this is my life right now. And I must notice it.

Malawi, ndakondwa kukuonani (I am happy to meet you)

In seven hours, I will see San Diego get smaller and smaller until it is out of sight. I will fly over mountains and fields, rivers and oceans, and Monday morning my feet will touch Malawian soil. I will breathe Malawian air.

My only purpose there is to let God shine His light through me. I'm there to be His hands and His feet and to provide a tangible expression of His love.

Of His amazing, everlasting, unconditional love.

Whether I'm ready or not is of little consequence. Whether I have it all together or not doesn't matter. I've doubted and I've been excited. I've been nervous and I've been filled with joy and hope. The beautiful thing is that I will never have it all together and God doesn't make me rely on my own strength, wisdom, or capacity to love, all of which would fail me. He is with me always.

"Ah, sovereign Lord," I said, "I do not know how to speak. I am only a child."

But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. But do not be afraid, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.

Then the Lord reached out His hand and touched my mouth. He said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth."

Jeremiah 1:6-9

I think I was meant to go to Africa, I mean, after all my favorite movie ever is The Lion King. I want to watch an African sunrise and sing "The Circle of Life." And I want to see Rafiki. The color of the day is aquamarine, the color of Rafiki's bum of course!

Thank you for all of the support and encouragement I've received in this journey. Please keep my team in your prayers these next couple of weeks. Pitani bwino ♥

This little light of mine.

T minus 6 days until I'm on a plane to Africa. I wish I could leave tomorrow.

I have been going through many valleys and mountains in my preparation for this trip. One day, I'm so excited and can barely focus on anything else. Other days, I doubt myself, why I'm going, and even God's plan. The closer Saturday gets, the more violent the rollercoaster feels.

I'm nervous that it will be amazing, and that it won't. I'm nervous about leaving, and about coming back. My trust in God and my desire to give Him my whole heart and my whole life is bigger than my nerves, though.

Even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.

Psalm 139: 12

Road-trip vs. Africa. I think we know who wins.

It's amazing how productive I can be when I don't have to work at 3:30 a.m. Man, that shift just kills me. Today is my first day off in seven days and despite my itch to take more assignments from my editors, I am taking the day off.

Already, I have made a doctor's appointment to get my immunization shots, mapped out a healthy meal plan for this week, cleaned the house and grocery shopped, visited the post office AND the bank! Annnnnnd I'm not even done! After this mid-afternoon rest-break, I plan to get my camera fixed, pump some iron at the gym and garden. (hey, I love lists, ok?!)

Another reason why I'm so productive? No distractions, i.e. a sad and empty house. Three of my best friends left this morning for a week-long road-trip through the deep south. Can ya say "Yeeeee haw!"? Part of my heart stings with the disappointment of not being with them, bringing back painful memories of my high school friends going on a senior trip without me, without telling me, and without explanation.

Despite that emotional scar still with me, I know that this time it's different. My best friends now are the friends who really taught me what friendship is and have proven time and time again that they are worthy of my trust and my heart.

And on top of that, my reason for not going is pretty awesome, too... AFRICA!!!! One and a half months til I am on a plane to Malawi. One-way ticket? I wish. I'll be there for a couple weeks doing humanitarian-type work with my church in partnership with the organization Children of the Nations.

Color of the day? "Bittersweet." Huh. I promise I didn't plan that... it really is a Crayola color! The Bittersweet crayon is a vibrant coral color that matches my flowy floor-length skirt that I get to wear in Africa. I call it my "Africa skirt." Original, right?!

It's going to be amazing. I'm so excited. What comes after? Who knows. I have, like, ten million ideas, but I am doing my very best trying not to make plans. I'm leaving it in bigger hands.